How is any of this fair?
How are you okay - not just okay, but thriving, after an experience that shook me to my core and made me question my worth as a person?
Aren't relationships... or friendships... or whatever label you want to give it, a two-way street?
Don't both people have to hurt? As true as it might be, I just can't admit to myself that you never cared. (Not even for a second?)
It's been a while. It's been months.
Everyone tells me that I should be over it by now - it wasn't really anything, but it was something, at least to me. I wasn't anything to you then, and I sure as hell aren't anything to you now. I'm just another unread message in your overflowing inbox on Facebook.
A burden.
A "fuck, it's been over a month, I should probably send some sort of response. Ugh."
I held on to the slightest glimmer of hope that we could be something amazing. We had chemistry. I thought we did. You even told me that you thought we had something going between us. Ha. That was a mistake. If you knew how much I really wanted us to be together, you would never have said that. Or maybe you would have. Maybe you just wanted something from me. And I tried so hard to give it to you.
But it wasn't enough.
I just wasn't enough for you.
I don't want to apologize for any of this, but hell, I was the one who cared more. 100%. Why do I need to be sorry for caring for another human being? For holding onto hope, however pointless it may have been? Why does caring make me feel weak - and why does it give the other person the upper hand? That's messed up.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want you to feel more upset than you do. Why am I stuck missing you, feeling sorry for myself, and having to watch you flourish and get on with your life? Why is it that other people can still be part of your life, but I, the one who cares so much, has to be cut out completely?
I don't even know if I'm more mad at myself for caring or more mad at you for not caring. I guess it's a mix of both. I don't want to care about it, about you, or about the people who are with you. But I can't help it.
You are such a beacon of light, and your existence made me so happy. I felt like my best self when I was with you. It doesn't even matter if that was made up or if it was legitimate. It was how I felt.
Now whenever I see a picture of you, the feelings rush back at once, and I lose my appetite. I almost feel sick. It's fucked. I hate that you have that power over me without even being in the same room as me.
I knew that we would never really work out, but just the picture of us together was enough to bring me happiness, however transitory it was.
We were nothing, and that was okay. I just wish you had let us be nothing for longer.
